My parent has a gambling problem
This information is for children whose parent has a gambling problem. Do you recognize yourself in the following situations?
- You have just discovered that one of your parents gambles.
- Your father/mother gambles and lies about it.
- You have discovered that your father/mother is gambling again after a period of stopping.
- You are looking for help for your father/mother.
- You are looking for help for yourself to deal with this.
Doubt, uncertainty, and concerns when your father/mother gambles?
You’ve just discovered that your father/mother (still) gambles a lot. This can evoke emotions. You might feel angry or sad. That’s completely normal. You thought you knew your father/mother well. Now the image you had of him or her no longer fits. This can cause a lot of doubt and uncertainty. You may want to know if the gambling has anything to do with you or your relationship. Often that’s not the case, but it can feel that way. You might worry because your father/mother is spending their money on gambling. You might be afraid that soon there won’t be enough money to pay for the house, groceries, and to support you.
Why do people gamble?
People gamble for various reasons. Many people who gamble want to win more money than they have wagered, they want to experience a feeling of relaxation or excitement to suppress emotions, or they have a dream of winning the jackpot. When they gamble, they temporarily forget about their problems. They are always preoccupied with gambling. Even when they are not gambling, they think about it. Gambling less is already very difficult for them. They then have to fight against themselves every day.
I feel responsible for my father/mother's gambling behaviour
Stopping gambling is a challenge where support from the environment is very important. You can’t force your father/mother to stop, but together you can discuss the situation. What do they see as the benefits of gambling? And what are the negative consequences of gambling? For example, say that you want to talk because you’re worried. You can also ask if your father/mother understands your concerns. As a child, you may feel responsible for your father/mother. This can come at the expense of your happiness in life. Later, this can even cause psychological problems. When you notice that it’s all too much for you, you can seek help yourself.
How can I help my father/mother?
You may have only recently learned that your father/mother is (again) gambling a lot, either because they told you themselves or because you discovered it. This is often shocking. You can’t force your father/mother to stop, but together you can discuss the situation.
Try to start the conversation by saying, for example:
“I’m worried, so I’d like to talk about it with you sometime. When do you have time this week?”
1. Talk to your father/mother
Try to find a good moment to have a conversation with your father/mother. For example, during a walk. There’s no fixed recipe for a conversation, but it’s good to pay attention to the following points:
- Indicate that it will not be an easy conversation.
- Ensure an open conversation.
- Show understanding for your father/mother.
- Listen carefully to what he/she says.
- Indicate that you want to help him/her.
- Indicate that you care about him/her and that you’re worried.
2. Do not try to solve the problem
Let your father/mother solve their own problems. Let him or her take a gambling break by registering themselves with Cruks, for example.
- Don’t give money and never pay off debts. By giving money and/or paying off debts, you can get into trouble yourself. It can also cause your father/mother to continue gambling.
- Let your parent figure out what will help them in this situation. When you take everything out of their hands, he/she doesn’t learn to come up with a solution themselves. This can cause your father/mother to continue gambling.
- Support your parent in finding solutions, for example by making a step-by-step plan together to pay off debts.
You can find information about debt counseling here
3. Reduce the step to help
Stopping gambling on your own is very difficult. It has nothing to do with a lack of willpower. It’s just very hard to stop something you’re used to. Fortunately, there are many types of help available. Consider:
- Online help
- Therapy (sometimes with medication)
- Self-help groups (with other gamblers)
See the complete overview of help in the Help Finder.
4. Offer hope for a better future
Sometimes someone who gambles doesn’t want help. It can be difficult to take the first step to overcome an addiction. This may be due to fear of change and uncertainty about what the future holds. Therefore, offer a positive outlook, for example by:
- Ensuring that your parent has something fun to look forward to. A reward often makes someone more motivated to change their behaviour.
- Reminding your parent of how it was before he/she gambled. This helps your father/mother to think back to how nice life was when he/she wasn’t gambling.
5. Seek help yourself if talking doesn't change anything
It also happens that talking doesn’t help (anymore), for example if:
- someone continues to gamble;
- someone is aggressive or violent;
- financial problems affect you and your home situation.
In these situations, think primarily of yourself and your own safety. It’s best to seek professional help in these situations. View here for help for loved ones.
6. Register someone in Cruks
If nothing helps, you as a child can also have someone take a gambling break and register with Cruks. There is a special section for loved ones.